My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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