god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
