I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
