I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He better not be in your backpack
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
