8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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