in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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