I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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