Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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