Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
