Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
