I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize