Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
