I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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