If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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