omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
