i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
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