he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
