Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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