Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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