Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
