so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
