Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
