I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
