i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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