I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
