i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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