Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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