I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
