he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
