You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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