I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
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Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
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Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize