apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
