mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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