There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
