i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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