Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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