Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Michael Bay diarrhea
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
