So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
