I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
