I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
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You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
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Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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