For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.