you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.