I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.