Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.