I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
