is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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