I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Someone came in the potted fern
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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