mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
