I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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