Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
