o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
