Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
