covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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