I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
