We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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