i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
