the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
