Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
