Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
