I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I think people are normalizing furries
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
